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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25855159">your hand outreached (i'm not brave enough to hold)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinSky/pseuds/twinSky'>twinSky</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XIV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Introspection, M/M, Patch 5.3: Reflections in Crystal Spoilers, hand holding, mild angst like VERY MILD, mild depictions of violence/injury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:27:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25855159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinSky/pseuds/twinSky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i> There is a certain intimacy in the mundane, in the domestic. In something as simple as hands held together. </i><br/>-<br/>You have never been in love before, and you’ve never been quite sure what it means.</p><p>But you know that, as you look at him kneeled on the ground, pretending to be a villain he is not (that he could never be), you would pluck the stars from the skies to see him smile. That you may be the Warrior of Light, of Darkness, whatever moniker the worlds give you, but you think you could throw it all way if it meant keeping him safe.</p><p>And that feeling is love, you think, but not a kind you have ever experienced before.</p><p>Not the kind that you have any idea what to do with.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>G'raha Tia | Crystal Exarch/Warrior of Light</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>145</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>your hand outreached (i'm not brave enough to hold)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this in like 4h it's unedited please let me love g'raha tia. ffxiv please. please.</p><p>thank you so much for 5.3 i can't fucking take it anymore.</p><p> </p><p>edit: now edited and with new additions, no new scenes but some of them have been expanded upon. Added 500 words to a published fic. It's just now that it's not 1am i have coherent thoughts. Still Can't Fucking Take It Though.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You have never been in love before, and you’ve never been quite sure what it means.</p><p>You understand familial love, and the love between you and your fellow scions. They are similar, and those have always come to you as easy as breathing. You have never once doubted your love for them, the way you have come to care for each other over your travels together. You know this feeling well.</p><p>However, the feeling you get, when you look at him, you know that is different.</p><p>You just aren’t quite sure how, just yet, but you know at least this much.</p><p>You know that, as you look at him kneeled on the ground, pretending to be a villain he is not (that he could never be), you would pluck the stars from the skies to see him smile. That you may be the Warrior of Light, of Darkness, whatever moniker the worlds give you, but you think you could throw it all way if it meant keeping him safe.</p><p>(But you never would, because that is never what he would want of you, and you are loathe to do anything that would make him frown.)</p><p>And that feeling is love, you think, but not a kind you have ever experienced before.</p><p>Not the kind that you have any idea what to do with.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>At the end of it all, after Emet-Selch has been defeated, after you’ve taken the Exarch (<em>G’raha Tia</em>, your mind supplies, like a gentle whisper, a smile, a welcome home) back to the Crystarium you assume everything will go back to the way that it was. Or at least, as close to it as it can. But something has changed, and you aren’t sure what.</p><p>There is a twinkle now in the rest of the Scion’s eyes when they look at you. Thancred and Y’shtola wear it almost mockingly, if not for their fondness. Ryne and Alphinaud’s pleasantly amused, almost expectant at times. You aren’t sure what to make of Alisaie, who seems almost begrudgingly accepting, and Urianger is better left unspoken.</p><p>But this isn’t new, you are used to eyes on you, the eyes of the masses have followed you since you started making a name for yourself defeating Primals. But you know what those eyes seek; a helping hand, a hero, a saviour. You know what role you must play to satisfy their needs. To be what they want, and more, every time.</p><p>Your fellow Scions, your friends, they have long since ceased looking at you in that way. In fact, more often than not, do they endeavour to be able to look beyond that, to stand at your side as few are able with Hydaelyn’s blessing and her Echo at your back. You cherish them all for it, even if you could never begrudge those who don’t –to be the Warrior of Light is a lonely business in its own way, but it is never something you regret. The lives you have saved, the wars you have ended, they are worth it, without question.</p><p>All of that you know, but it doesn’t answer your questions. Doesn’t explain why the twinkle always seems brighter when you and the Exarch are together, the sly comments the others make at his expense you never quite get but know speak to something more.</p><p>“Is something on your mind?” Ryne asks, and you blink, forgetting you had been with company lost in your thoughts as you were.</p><p>You smile, strained in your embarrassment, and Ryne, ever quick to notice emotional distress, narrow her eyes at the reaction.</p><p>“Something is on your mind.” She concludes without waiting for his reply and Alisaie snorts from beside her, reaching over to grab another cookie from the platter.</p><p>You sigh, drumming your fingers on the table. “Have you ever been in love?” You ask without thought and as Ryne’s face flushes red as she sputters, you realise that is probably an odd question to ask someone years your younger.</p><p>“I love you, all of you.” She replies as she collects herself, voice prim and proper like she’s using it as sheild. It crumbles as her demeanor quickly softens, a fond smile blossoming on her face. “You are all the family I never had; I would not be here without you. There is no one I could love more than you all.” Her hands rise as she speaks, clenched together close to her heart.</p><p>You understand that, you feel the same way. But…</p><p>“That’s not what you mean though, right?” Alisaie questions, flicking crumbs off the table, not meeting either of their eyes. “You mean <em>love</em> love, like lovers, like parents.”</p><p>Ryne’s cheeks tint once again, mouth opening into a small ‘o’ of surprise. “Well I suppose I don’t have much experience in that regard, my past being what it is.”</p><p>You shake your head, waving off her concern, her regret. It wasn’t a good question to ask, especially not to her.</p><p>“What about you Alisaie?” Ryne asks, turning to face her with sparkling eyes.</p><p>“No!” She refutes, eyes wide and shoulders up, the faintest hint of red on her cheeks, before she relaxes, the line of her shoulders untensing. “I have someone… there is someone I admire deeply, and I suppose that could be considered a type of romantic love. But there are more pressing matters than such things, and I am also not wont to fight a losing battle.”</p><p>“So it’s unrequited then?” Ryne asks, frown pulling at her lips even as Alisaie raises her arms in denial. The conversation devolves from there, Ryne’s attempts at comfort thwarted by Alisaie’s vehement denials until Alphinaud comes to collect them all. Ignoring the commotion in the way only a sibling can.</p><p>You follow along, but Alisaie’s words continue to ring in your head.</p><p>Was admiration part of romantic love? Was part of loving someone, feeling inspired by them? Wanting to be with them, to grow with them, to partake in their struggles, in their triumphs, to be comfort when the world makes them weary?</p><p>The Exarch had called you his inspiration at the end, and as you thought of that your mind brought that conversation alone in Kholusia. When he still hid his identity despite the part of your heart that cried familiarity, that wanted to hope beyond hope that perhaps the gods had returned onto you something they had taken away so unfairly. To have subjected someone to such a cruel lonely fate.</p><p>
  <em>“For they are my inspiration, and I would give much and more for the chance to speak with them as friends, with no thought of concealment. Then… I would ask them about their next adventure. And if they should wish me to be a part of it, oh… how happy it would make me.”</em>
</p><p>You had wished you could make that dream come true, when you had first heard it.  You knew as well as he that his fate was bound to the tower, that there was little he could do in regards to leaving it behind for extended periods of time. But you had still wanted to help. However, even so, it had felt too cruel to ask at the time, who the person was, why he had never mentioned these desires before.</p><p>(A part of you, you knew, had not wanted to know more about this person. And how the words he spoke left you with an unfamiliar bitterness resting on your tongue.)</p><p>Now though, you knew. You knew it was you whom he wanted to travel with. To spend his days, and nights, and hours with. And even more so now you wanted nothing more than to give that to him. Because you wanted that too, for yourself, but also because when you pictured him free of the tower, hand in yours as you explored the world together, the beat of your heart was almost impossible to bear. The warmth that filled you, like a steady campfire in the cold Dravania night.</p><p>You thought then that perhaps this feeling was love, and that then, this was a feeling the two of you shared.</p><p>But you had a world to return to, and he a people to lead, and if this feeling was indeed love, then perhaps you were better off without it.</p><p>Alisaie had the right of it, you lot were not one to fight losing battles, even in the non-battlefield that was the matters of the heart.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It is easy to forget, to push it aside, when there are so many other pressing matters. Restoring the Empty, exploring the Copied Factory with Anogg and Konogg, and most importantly; finding a way to get the Scion’s souls back to their rightful bodies.</p><p>You are no stranger to pushing your feelings aside to reach a greater goal. The needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few, and in a world where you are one of only with such power you will always be one of the few. One of the only.</p><p>Your needs are always easy to ignore, if it means helping someone else.</p><p>So you hold your tongue at his nature, the way he holds himself in so little regard if it means being of help to any of you. It is odd to see your worst habits on display like this. And the two of you really make a pair then, don’t you? Both of you willing to set yourselves ablaze to keep others warm.</p><p>It is terrible behaviour, and yet somehow, somehow, the little bit of similarity makes you the smallest bit happy even as your heart clenches in worry.</p><p>Love is an odd feeling, you think, full of ups and downs nonsensical in their nature and yet at their core so fundamentally the same. Another piece to a puzzle that you are still working out.</p><p>A puzzle you mean to complete just in time to see it torn apart. But for now, you are allowed to enjoy the little time you do have, and to dream of a softer morrow.</p><p>Because you too, would like nothing more than to venture forth, with him at your side. To reach out your hand and take his in yours. To hold it close like it is your more precious of treasures.</p><p>But such a thing would be crossing the unspoken line between the two of you, and you content yourself with what there is, rather than what you wish.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You tell yourself that this is enough.</p><p>Those fleeting smiles you share when you visit him in the Ocular. The laughter you share on the way to meet with Beq Lugg. The joy in his eyes as he searches with you, with all of you, to find the Scions a way home.</p><p>You tell yourself that these moments are enough, that you will treasure these moments dear as long as at the end of it you know he will be safe, that he will be <em>alive</em>.</p><p>You repeat this even as he closes the doors behind him, and Beq Lugg assures you of his safety. But you know the G’raha of your time, know the Exarch of now. Have the stories that Rammbroes and Krile have shared with you. And all you know speaks to a man who has hid himself to prevent others of seeing his own suffering for their benefit.</p><p>Even then, <em>even then</em>, you tell yourself it will be okay, just a little longer, and you can both part on good terms.</p><p>But even in your own mind, the words fall flat and empty; you have never been a very good liar.</p><p>That honour has always fallen onto others and never have you so fervently wished to have it.</p><p>Because perhaps then, the future fast approaching would hurt just a little bit less.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(You think you were happier when you did not have a name for this feeling. For the joy you feel when he smiles, for the desire to reach out and hold, pull him close, keep him safe.</p><p>Because when you know, it makes the parting hurt all the more, it makes the words resting on your tongue burn like acid, pleas and prayers choked back like a sinner at the altar dying to confess.</p><p>Even so, you dare not wish this feeling, this knowledge, away.</p><p>For all the pain it may come to bring, it is worth it for every second of joy it brings.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>“When all is said and done, I will ask yet another favor of you.”</em> He says to you, as your story reaches its end. As your time on this shard approaches its close.</p><p>And you do not get a chance to reply before the moment is whisked away, but the words rest easy on your tongue. Ready to be whispered, said, screamed at just a moment’s provocation. At a moment’s behest should he so choose it.</p><p>
  <em>“Anything. There is nothing you can say, that you can request, that I would not endeavour my hardest to complete.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Love is pain.</p><p>You knew this, you knew.</p><p>It was pain when you saw Alphinaud hurt and broken in the aftermath of the Crystal Braves. It was pain when you held Haurchefant in your arms, telling you to smile even as he breathed his last. It was pain as you saw Ysayle’s sacrifice, Moenbryda’s, Papylmo’s, Minfilia’s; every single person you came to care for sacrificed for a better tomorrow.</p><p>It was pain when you watched Ardbert struggle, a part of your soul yet not your own. Someone like you to share your struggles, to compart in his. Pain as you watched Emet-Selch stand tall to his last, a man you once knew in your soul of souls, who cared in his own twisted and misguided ways.</p><p>It was pain when G’raha Tia closed those doors before you, and it was pain when he stood again before you as the Light within choked and consumed you.</p><p>Love can be painful, you know this as well as you know that love is something soft and caring. That love is warmth by the fire, and encouraging words. A promise of safety when the world around you burns to the ground. A smile and belief, and sandwiches made with care.</p><p>These are things you know, but it does not make relearning them any less painful.</p><p>(Make it any easier, any less meaningful.)</p><p>You thought you could handle it, even so, even then. The decay of his arms, the pain in his countenance. <strike>(It hurts to see, a pain far more than physical like the Light that once choked you has imbedded itself in your soul.)</strike> Just a little bit longer, you are sure he is thinking as well. A little bit longer and this ends, a little bit longer and you can both be on your way. This moment in time something you will both treasure for the rest of your lives.</p><p>(Even with both your regrets, your secrets, your promises, left unspoken. Murmured only in your hearts, where no one else can hear.)</p><p>You do wonder how many times fate must tell you otherwise before you learn otherwise.</p><p><em>“I’m just glad you’re alive. Make sure you stay that way.</em>” You tell him, not quite a plea, because he would never concede to them, but something close. Enough to let him know you could not mean this anymore sincerely.</p><p>He smiles like he understands, like he knows full well what you mean, but both of you know that understanding means nothing if there is not action behind it.</p><p>And whether it is Hydaelyn’s blessing or your own intuition as a seasoned warrior, you know it to be true that no amount of action will pause the current that has already been made.</p><p>All you have left is to go where this path leads you, and pray that you reach a happier ending. At the very least, this time he will go with you.</p><p>You will give him this one adventure, if nothing else.</p><p>Perhaps you both can find some measure of closure in this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You think that perhaps, in a better world, in a kinder world, there is a version of you, and a version of him, who achieved this journey in a less roundabout way. A younger, less weary and known version of you, a less jaded and tired version of him, managed to explore this place together.</p><p>In that world he did not get sentenced to pseudo-eternal sleep by powers beyond his control. In that world you took him on your adventures, and he stuck with you through it all. In that world, perhaps you weren’t even a Warrior of Light, just another, run of the mill adventurer –but you suppose that had been part of your initial appeal, the grandiose of a title you had yet to fully understand.</p><p>Regardless, that world is not this one, and for all its hardships you would not want it to be. There is something earned in this space, and there is joy and terror in equal measures thrumming through you as you make your way through the tower with him at your side.</p><p>And in his eyes, in his smile, you see it too.</p><p>Word unspoken, and yet so clearly heard all the same.</p><p>You hold onto these brief moments as you bid him goodbye. His body weary and fractured but still powerful all the same.</p><p>“Rest assured you haven’t seen the last of me. I wouldn’t dream of playing my trump card in your presence.” He says, no playfulness in his expression, the gravity of the situation heavy on both your shoulders.</p><p>You do not ask him to promise it.</p><p>Neither of you would bear it were he to break it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You do not know what to say, in the aftermath of Edilibus, of the Warrior of Light Incarnate. There were a thousand words you spoke in that brief moment, in your smile, in his grin, as you both hold his staff together to finish it all off.</p><p>You poured at your heart in that moment, and in his grin you saw him reply. And you knew without speaking, and that was enough. (Because the actual words…) But now, you find yourselves without words, and as always, he picks up the silence. The warrior may have always been you, but he has always been better with words, to spin a tale, to write a letter. You listen with rapt attention because you know this is the end, of the story, of your time here in this shard.</p><p>
  <strike>(of his time. no matter how much you wish to deny it.)</strike>
</p><p>“So I hope you’ll forgive me this moment of selfishness. And… while I wouldn’t want you to feel obliged…” He says, a shyness to his words that you want to tell him is unnecessary. There is nothing selfish he could ask of you, because there is nothing you could think to deny him after all this. “Promise me you’ll take me on your next adventure. A journey. Together. That’s all I ask.”</p><p>He told you once, that when you called him by his name it reminded him of the young boy he had once been. Of a time before he took on the role of the Exarch. You never knew how to tell him that his words to you made you feel much the same.</p><p>Of a time before everything became so dire, before the fate of the world, of all the shards, seemed to ever rest on your shoulders. Of a time when an adventure as he suggests, was something simple and exciting. Something to look forward to.</p><p><em>“You could’ve asked me earlier!” </em>You manage to scold through desperate tears, and the words you had puzzled over for so long seem so simple now.</p><p>You love him, you do. Purely and ardently you could not care for someone more the way you do him.</p><p>But just as he never shared his feelings with you, you do not share them now. Because it would be cruel, and you would not have your last memories together tarnished by your silly desires. Because even if you wanted to, you know you simply cannot.</p><p>This is not the end, he assures you, he promises.</p><p>And if this is not the end, then these words fluttering in your chest still have time yet to be set free.</p><p>It does not make it any less heart wrenchingly painful to watch as the crystal consumes him whole. You think he meant to be poetic in that last moment. With the hood donned it is the Exarch who remains a fixture, ever immortalized and G’raha Tia one free to continue onwards.</p><p>You however, have never been one for pretty words or touching poetry.</p><p>This moment is simply painful, no matter how happier a moment may be waiting just beyond its reach, and the tears streaming down your face could never be something of joy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(Even with all the memories withheld in this crystal in your hands, you can’t help but feel it is not the same.</p><p>It is not a feeling of regret, nor disappointment, just a simple feeling, something you know.</p><p>You think, that perhaps that this feeling is just.</p><p>You are not the person he waited for, not truly, not at first. The version of you he knew is one you scarce remember, young and foolish and not yet understanding of their strength.</p><p>And the version of him you awaken, will not truly be him. It will be the him you once knew, and the him you now know.</p><p>Together.</p><p>In a way, perhaps you have both been chasing spectres all along.</p><p>Perhaps now, you can both pause, you can actually see each other.</p><p>Perhaps now, you can both walk side by side, together.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Finally, you understand the twinkle in their eyes, as you race across Mor Dhona, for it was there again as Urianger and Y’shtola teased you. Your friends have always known you better than you know yourself. Have, for the most part, always been a bit more emotionally attune with yourself, than you usually are.</p><p>So, of course they saw your love for what it was before you could even understand what it was you felt. And of course, instead of telling you they teased you gently to your ever oblivious nature.</p><p>But that is fine, you got here yourself, eventually.</p><p>And now, finally<em>, finally</em>, you can tell him what it is you feel.</p><p>And he can give you the same in return.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You don’t quite recognise the figure asleep on the throne. He is not the boy you once knew, nor the man you had just said your goodbyes to. He is somewhere in between, his hair not nearly as white as the Exarch, his figure a bit larger than the G’raha Tia you bid goodbye too here what felt like ages ago.</p><p>Your heart beats, all the same.</p><p>It is with a smile that you approach him, as the crystal in your hands begins to glow.</p><p>“Good morning, G’raha Tia,” you say gently, a whisper for just the two of you, as his eyes blink open, “Welcome home.”</p><p>The smile he gives you in reply is a weak trembling thing, and for a second you think his condition even weaker than that of the Scions’ but suddenly he is upon you, arms wrapped around your neck as the two of you crash backwards into the ground.</p><p>You hold him as he weeps, tears falling from your own eyes as it feels like a mountain of withheld emotion leaks forth.</p><p>“You asked a favour of me.” You say through choked breaths. “May I ask one of you?”</p><p>“Anything my friend.” He replies with a laugh as tears stream down his cheeks.</p><p>“I love you,” You say softly, a simple breath of a word, like it is a secret just for the two of you that no one else should hear. “Do you think, you’d be able to love me back?”</p><p>He shakes his head, smiling and his eyes glitter in their teary-ness. “I think you must find a different favour to ask me. It would be remiss for me to agree, when it is something you already have.”</p><p>It takes a moment for the words register, tired, teary mind attempting to parse his roundabout words, but when they do you smile wide and uninhibited. Your heart is doing somersaults in your breast, uncontainable joy bursting forth within you.</p><p>This you knew; that he felt the same, because he had all but said the words to you. But to hear them is something different, to feel his weight, real and true, against you is something more. And if you had the words you spill them out here, let him know, let him hear it.</p><p>But you have always been one for action instead.</p><p>So you shift your arms, currently wrapped around his waist, to cup his cheeks. You smile, and he smiles back, and you think that you could live in this brief moment forever.</p><p>You know that you love him.</p><p>And that you have never loved someone more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Raha,” You smile, grin widening when his face flushes, “let’s go, the others are waiting.”</p><p>He looks away, as he is wont to do in his embarrassment, but still offers his hand out to you. You take it without a second thought, pulling him forward to stand at your side.</p><p>“Lead the way.” He pronounces, head held high even as his ears twitch in joy.</p><p>“Yes, of course; onwards to our first adventure together, right?” You say easily, as if your own cheeks are not tinted red.</p><p>“Right.” He replies, haughty demeanor melting into something softer with just the word.</p><p>You watch him for a moment, until he tugs at your hand and reminds you of your pressing need to leave.</p><p>So you do.</p><p>And never once does your hand leave his.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! I'm going to go pass out<br/><a href="http://twinsky.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a>/<a href="https://twitter.com/twinsky72">Twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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